


letters to cadm (2018)

by christienneamber



Category: me/him - Fandom
Genre: Broken, Essay, Essays, F/M, Letters, Romance, Sad, angsty, brokenhearted, letters to cadm, real life letters to a real life person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:57:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14315043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christienneamber/pseuds/christienneamber
Summary: things that i've always wanted to say to him, but can't.so i just put 'em all here.we broke up.





	1. April 5, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

You gave up. I'm confused and I deny everything you told me. I don't believe what's happening, my heart is broken.

 

I'm confused.

 

Help me.

 

-ca


	2. April 6, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I still can't believe what's happening. Please come back.

 

-ca


	3. April 7, 2018

Dear cadm, 

 

It's our graduation day. I should be happy, but right now, I am the saddest person in this school. As I hear you get so many awards, my heart is full of pride. You, my bebe, deserve aaaall those awards you have tonight. You do not know how proud I am for you. I can't help but tear up, because I can't express my feelings toward you like how I used to. I whispered in Kyle's ear that I wanted to take a picture of you, one last time. A few minutes later, you came up and asked her to make her take a picture of us. Oh how happy I was! I thought I was going to get that plot twist! But, it ended so quickly.

 

Before I left, I tried looking for you. But I failed, so I went home, sadder than ever.

 

I miss you so much.

 

-ca


	4. April 8, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I begged you to stay.

 

You explained.

 

I thought I'd be okay.

 

I thought I'd get over you.

 

But I was wrong. I was so wrong.

 

-ca


	5. April 12, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

We met up today. I biked towards our venue, with a big smile plastered on my face. Even though I was exhausted by the heat and from biking, it didn't stop me from making my lips curve into a smile. I was feeling amazing as ever. My appetite came back, so did my smile. We talked for hours. You explained, as I did. But in the end of it, we cried. It hurt to see you cry. It was at this point I know that I am not the problem, my mental issue is. I am at war with my brain. I want to leave you so badly, because it is what you want, but I can't. And even though you hate me, I can't stop not talking to you. I have breakdowns whenever I don't talk to you. And it hurt my soul, because I'd needed to be selfless or selfish.

 

I miss you so damn much.

 

-ca


	6. April 13, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

Not once did I thought of you today. I am so happy. I also made the biggest last minute decision ever. I dyed my hair red. Because your name is Red. I don't know. All I know is that, I'm happy and proud of myself today.

 

-ca


	7. April 14, 2018

Dear cadm, 

 

I fell down today. A breakdown.

It hurts like hell to have it. And no it's not because of you. It's the usual, you know, my family and such.

It even hurt me to remember you're not here to listen anymore.

But I still did crawl back to you.

All you said was to pray.

I pray all day, everyday.

It's one of your influences to me, back when we were together. Back when I first heard you say you liked me too. Because you were my living proof that He exists.

But it felt weird for you to say that.

You weren't like that.

I guess you changed.

/

I fell apart on you again.

I got mad for the smallest reason.

Even though there is no right for me to be mad, I still did.

Right now I am realizing why I'm still clinging on you like plastic wrap.

Not only you are my strength and my confidence, you were always there for me. To listen to my problems. To become my outlet of stress and frustration.

I can't handle abandonment, because I dealt with it since I was 3.

You were the only person I was hoping for.

Now you're gone,

I feel like the world and everyone is against me.

You are not a bad person.

I am not trying to make you look like a bad person.

And although I'll sound like a selfish person,

I really really want you back. 

Back in my arms where you belong.

Back where I can hear your voice.

Back where I can look at you in the eyes and you'd fully understand what they meant.

Back with me.

I'm sorry for being selfish up until this point.

 

I miss you, and I love you so fucking much my bebe.

 

-ca


	8. April 15, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

Today I felt the loneliest. I don’t know why. Though I felt good while I went to Sunday Mass, and I enjoyed the priest’s Homily today, my heart still went back to its heavy mass that I am always feeling. It’s your mom’s birthday today, she invited me to come over your place, but damn, I can’t, I might see you again and just breakdown in front of her. The whole day my face wasn’t smiling, and my head was pounding. I kinda smiled a bit once again when I was left alone to babysit my middle brother.

Tonight, I really do feel that you do not care.

 

Depression is killing me. It’s draining the heck outta my life right now.

 

Don’t worry, I pray all the time. I am actually sick of people saying that I should just pray so I’d be okay. Well, I always do. Like I said, you are my living proof that He exists.

 

 _Hay,_ I really don’t know anymore right now.

 

I really am tired of my body.

I want to be okay.

 

I hope you’re okay and well.

 

I miss you so much. I love you still my bebe.

 

-ca


	9. April 16, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

Today is a busy day for me. I was with your mom the whole day. I felt kind of happy, because I finally told her what I truly feel, and why I'm like this. I'm sorry though, I was over your place for lunch. And that you had to see me struggling to eat. You also had to witness me clutching my heart as it throb like I was having cramps in my heart. I'm really sorry because I acted so nervous, shy and awkwardly because, I just do feel like it's awkward, yet you're super chill and all.

 

Right now, I am confused.

 

I do not know what to feel.

 

I might say I'm happy because I got to see you again, but my heart is still aching like crazy.

 

I just don't know what to feel right now.

 

I love you so much, my cadm.

 

-ca


	10. April 17, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

Today might be the craziest day I’ve ever had. I had a breakdown again, and I asked you if you could take me back. I don’t know why I asked that, and for all seriousness, I regret ever saying that. I regret begging you. I regret everything I ever said to you today. 

 

I guess I just felt lonely, sad and depressed. But, good thing your mom talked to me. You do not know how much I love your mom. Even though we aren’t together anymore, she still treats me like the way she did back then. She is concerned about me, and is worrying about me. Same goes to your dad. I love your family, honestly. They’re basically my second family now, and I am so honored to be loved by your family until this day. 

 

Today I biked with my friends, talked with them, saw them and I felt more loved than ever. I felt genuine happiness, like the one I used to feel back then. You don’t know how happy I am. To feel this emotion again is such a miracle.

 

I thanked God for this. For making me strong. Maybe it was His plan to break me, to make me stronger. To be wiser, to be a better person.

 

This night’s sleep will be the best I’ll ever get since last week.

 

I still love you, my bebe.

 

-ca


	11. April 18, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

Today I did nothing but watch KDrama. I think it was pretty good, because I became busy again, and not once did I thought of you.

 

In the afternoon, I brought my pup over your place. I almost cried, I’m going to miss my only baby dog. I’m going to be far away from him, this time, for a month. Please take care of him, okay? It’s a good thing you were out when I went over, because if you were there, I would most probably cry then and there.

 

Then I went home again. 

 

Today was a pretty normal, boring day, until one of my best friends came over. It was about 9 when she came over. I cried when she left, I cried of happiness, and a tad bit of sorrow, because well, she was going away for three months. I am going to miss her a lot. She also made me very happy, because I actually missed her to bits.

 

Well, that’s all. I’ll go back to my hourly watching of KDrama.

 

ps: this kdrama is making me sad, slightly, because there were scenes where the guy put up the girl’s hair into a ponytail, and gave her a forehead kiss. and idk it reminds me of you. hah how i miss you.

 

pps: theres this shirt you have that smells of you in a good way. i missed that scent, i could only smell that whenever i hug you. idk whens the last time i hugged you. so that shirt made me teary eyed.

 

I’ll change. I hope you’re going to wait. I love you, unconditionally my bebe.

-ca


	12. April 19, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I leave today. I thought I was going to leave happy, but as soon as you sent me pictures of my dog, especially the video, I kind of felt depressed again. I was going to miss him, and I was going to miss you. Right now I have the biggest headache to ever exist. My heart aches too. That sinking feeling came back again. I’m going to miss so many of our friends. I’m dizzy. Super dizzy.

 

Please take care of my dog, and yourself, okay?

 

I love you still, I’ll always will.

 

-ca


	13. April 20, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I felt depressed. But once you pm’d me, I don’t know, I became happy.

 

I just wish we talk like we used to before.

 

-ca


	14. April 21, 2018

Dear cadm, 

 

I am slowly breaking again.

 

-ca


	15. April 22, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I blocked you.

 

I hope what I'm doing is right.

 

-ca


	16. April 25, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

It’s 4:20 am right now. I’m scrolling to my other Twitter account, the one you don’t follow back. There, I put so many things. It showed how much I love you. And it’s funny because I still feel the same, even when you don’t anymore.

 

I miss you so much, cadm.

 

Please come back.

 

I’m willing to do anything, still.

 

-ca


	17. April 27, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

PLEASE KNOW THAT I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

 

I feel physically okay, but my heart still yearns for you. 

 

I hope I move on as fast as you, but still, I love you.

 

My heart is continually getting mended and broken.

 

I hope you change your mind.

 

_Balik ka na, sinta ko. Puso ko'y ika'y hanap-hanap. Ikaw, sinta ang aking mundo. Sa iyong mga kamay ako'y kalmado. Sa iyong mga mata ako'y nakakahinga ng malalim. Pasensya na sinta, ako'y magtitino para sa'yo. Malaman mo sanang mahal na mahal kita, hanggang ngayon. Hinding hindi mawawala ang aking pagmamahal para sa iyo. Ang puso ko ay iyong iyo._

 

(Please come back, my love. My heart's looking for you. You, my love, are my world. In your hands I am calm. In your eyes I can breathe. I'm sorry, my love, I will change, all for you. Please know, I love you so much, until now. My love for you will never fade away. My heart is yours.)

 

-ca


	18. April 28, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

I am missing you so bad. 

 

I saw six things that reminded me of you today.

 

I wrote a song for you.

 

I really do miss you.

 

I miss you so much, my acha.

 

-ca


	19. July 2, 2018

Dear cadm,

 

It has been a long time since my last letter.

 

And since that, I got out of my depression.

 

I hope you're as happy as I am about it!

 

I go to school now, it'll be my 7th day of being a Grade 11 Student, and so will you.

 

It's funny that we still go to the same school.

 

Does it break my heart? Yes, kind of. But I feel more relieved to see you.

 

We're still apart, but it's fine. Being your friend is already okay enough for me.

 

I'm rooting for you! Good luck on your Pre-Calculus subject!

 

 

I miss you so damn much, my bebe.

I love you.

 

-ca


End file.
